Dinner Party Etiquette for the 21st Century

Love this post, have been hosting a lot of dinner parties lately which leads to interesting experiences… but happy to say I’ve been getting A’s as a guest! My biggest pet peeve of late, is people who don’t know when to LEAVE. If it’s 4 AM (really any time past 1 AM; unless you’re still doing the dishes) and everyone else is gone, I’m pretty sure that’s a sign that you should be gone too. Before I turn from hostess into bouncer before you can say “call a cab”.

[Reply]

Linda Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 10:12

@Jessica, ha! that is a GREAT one! think i need to do a round two of these tips.

[Reply]

Great topic as evidenced by the number and variety of responses.

10. I emphatically disagree that the host open a guests wine as a matter of course. If the host is into wine, he/she will likely have selected wines for the dinner or asked a wine merchant to do that. A guests wine may be totally inappropriate for the table so best left to enjoy later unless, of course, the host chooses to open it because he/she is interested in the bottle.

Same idea with flowers. A well intended bouquet of flowers may not fit the hosts idea of how he/she would like the room and table to look.so may present an awkward situation for the host.

4. As for hats at the dinner table, with men it is always hats off unless the hat is required by the guests or hosts religion. It is perfectly acceptable, however, for women to wear a small hat at the table especially if it is part of the woman’s fashion statement. The more formal the occasion the more acceptable hats are. No sombreros though. The more informal the occasion the less the hat fits in.

Don’t these things ultimately depend on how well you know the hosts, their wine and entertaining style.

[Reply]

I have a few pet peeves when it comes to manners at the dinner table. The first is that I agree with the “no cell phone use” at the table. I don’t even care if it’s an informal lunch setting. I hate when I’m in the middle of a sentence and all of a sudden I notice that the other person isn’t even paying attention. They’re just texting. I’ve learned to just stop talking until they notice, and when they say “Why’d you stop talking?”, I simply reply (sarcastically) with, “Oh, sorry, I noticed you were in a conversation with someone else. I didn’t want to interrupt.” The second thing is that I can’t stand when people scoop their food onto their fork or spoon with their fingers! That is what a knife is for!! And last, but certainly not least, is when people blow their nose at the dinner table. I just can’t stand thinking about them getting snot on their hands and then eating with them. Go to another room! (and don’t forget to wash your hands afterwards)

[Reply]

As the hostess I always try to make sure that everyone has a full glass of wine at all times, so I am annoyed when people jump the gun and grab the bottle and pour themselves a jumbo glass without checking to see if anyone else would care for some. Worse is if they then hog the bottle. It drives me crazy. And while I’m at it, I think it’s rude to take significantly more food than you’re prepared to eat. It’s so wasteful. Once I had a guest who pushed their salmon around on the plate and eventually said, “Sorry. I thought there too many bones.” Hmm, no one else seemed to think so, and I checked on the whole dietary restrictions thing beforehand. This was a friend of a friend who has never been invited back! Hilarious post.

[Reply]

I have a few pet peeves when it comes to manners at the dinner table. The first is that I agree with the “no cell phone use” at the table. I don’t even care if it’s an informal lunch setting. I hate when I’m in the middle of a sentence and all of a sudden I notice that the other person isn’t even paying attention. They’re just texting. I’ve learned to just stop talking until they notice, and when they say “Why’d you stop talking?”, I simply reply (sarcastically) with, “Oh, sorry, I noticed you were in a conversation with someone else. I didn’t want to interrupt.” The second thing is that I can’t stand when people scoop their food onto their fork or spoon with their fingers! That is what a knife is for!! And last, but certainly not least, is when people blow their nose at the dinner table. I just can’t stand thinking about them getting snot on their hands and then eating with them. Go to another room! (and don’t forget to wash your hands afterwards)

[Reply]

I did okay on everything but reciprocation. I HATE people at my house. I don’t know why. It’s clean enough. I don’t hoard, but I do have cats and dogs. I feel people judging me by what I have on my walls or the dust (I live on a dirt road so there’s always dust) and, I don’t know, it just freaks me out having people over. I do feel bad for not inviting people over because I know it’s the right thing to do, but it’s very hard for me to do. But now I feel even worse reading this, so I think I’m going to have to get over myself and invite over some of the great folks who have had me over.

[Reply]

JoyceK Reply:
January 4th, 2011 at 22:55

@Shannon,
…or take them out to a restaurant…

[Reply]

We live in Austria, and nobody leaves their shoes on in the house. We keep some cheap slippers for guests in case their feet get cold and I usually bring a thick pair of socks to others’ home in winter. But it is never an option to keep your shoes on. Period. My father is American and complains about that but I can finally say that this is my house and he will do as I say. Ha!

[Reply]

Ha, very funny post, made me laugh out loud!

PS, and those are fabulous shoes!

Happy Holidays :)

[Reply]

Such a great post! As for tweeting at the table…my personal opinion is NO. However, I think if you’re at a blogger function where live coverage would benefit the host/sponsors, then I think a bit of tweeting is okay.

[Reply]

But I heard you only came back with 87 kilos …

[Reply]

This made my day! And no tweeting or texting at the table – that includes checking in on Four Square, I am the mayor of my house! And I agree with the above comments – please, if your hosts asks for an RSVP, respond in a timely manner.

[Reply]

Im hosting a pretty large gathering this weekend – Ill have to get back to you on how many times a cell phone is answered and if anyone brings wine or chews with their mouth open. It’ll be like a little game for me, lol.
And I know someone who always brings other people to any event without considering how rude that is.

[Reply]

Came through via Foodgawker to peruse the etiquette list and…I apparently am little Miss Manners! Hooray!

One thing that shocks me however: I invite a handful of friends over every so often for a dinner party. I find it a bit awkward when my guests ask: “Should I BRING anything?”

As a generous person I always say no. But growing up I remember going to dinner parties with my parents and my mother would always just show up with a bottle (or two or three) of wine, and the host would always be surprised (or seem to be, but I never remember my most asking the host beforehand ‘oh should I bring anything?’) A friend of mine invited my mother and I to her house a few months ago when my mother was visting and my mother insisted on bringing some wine and snacks with us (as it would be rude not to come with “SOMETHING” she said). All we were doing was watching a movie and hanging out though.

So: People if you have been invited to a dinner party do not ASK your host if you should bring a bottle of wine or dessert or something….just DO it. Even if it’s a small bouquet of flowers, it is appreciated.

[Reply]

Fun post!

Here’s another tip for guests:

If you are bringing flowers bring them in a vase or bring a potted flower so the host (or) hostess doesn’t have to search for a vase and arrange flowers as soon as you arrive.

[Reply]

Hi Linda:

Great post…..we could not agree more. There seems to have been a total breakdown of basic etiquette in the last 20 years (at least). You have hit our favorites but here is a list of our top peeves:

1. No Reciprocal Invitation
2. No hostess gift or bottle of wine
3. No thank you note
4. Arriving late or early.

It always amazes us when these simple basic pleasantries are ignored.

Hugs to you Jonas & Bentley, see you in Feb

Lori & Jonathan

[Reply]

Bentley is getting so big! Great list! I agree with another commenter to at least offer to help clear dishes even though I wouldn’t necessarily expect the host to accept.

[Reply]

Tongue-in-cheek but some really good advice in your usual wildly entertaining manner. I think elbows on the table is a bit old-fashioned and a bit ‘what’s-the-big-deal?’ And, at the risk of being unpopular here, I’d rather keep my shoes on (but off the table), thank you very much.

I’d like to add, a good guest helps (or at least offers) to clear the table and clean up.

[Reply]

Maybe it’s an super messy house that is stopping her. I have a friend who has never invited anyone over for years and recently found out that her roommate is a hoarder.@Casey Angelova

[Reply]

Love the photos! Especially of Bentley Danger in the sombrero – priceless. Got back from trial last night – cocktails??? -Sarah

[Reply]

great advice! Seems like the shoe thing is getting a fair amount of contention: to remove or not to remove? Or, on the host side of things: to request/demand removal or allow guests to do as they wish?

[Reply]

I think I know you well enough to realize that this whole post was a ruse to show off your new shoes! GREG

[Reply]

I am going to share this as an education program with my sorority on etiquette. A funny post that should surely keep us from making fools of ourselves later down the road! Thanks for a lovely study break.

[Reply]

There’s alot of contention on here about shoes! Sure it’s a part of the outfit, but really, people should be speaking to your face and not your feet. When going to someone else’s home, I always make sure I’ll look good without shoes just in case I need to take them off. If they can stay on, fine. But I also live where it’s covered in snow 4 months of the year, and the spring time is nothing but dirt and mud everywhere so honestly, I don’t want to be tracking any of that into someone’s home.

[Reply]

Please understand the meaning of RSVP. It means “Please respond”– in other words, let your host know whether you’re coming or NOT! Too many times when I was giving a large party, I’d have to call people who assumed that a non-response was equivalent to a “No, I’m not coming.”

[Reply]

Great advice! My addition is to always offer to help your host/ess with cleanup if they start before the party ends. In my case I’ll usually say no, but it’s a wonderful gesture. Helping to clean also counts as reciprocation, in my view.

[Reply]

I agree with the reciprocation remark. I have invited a particular friend to my home about 10 times for dinner and I still haven’t seen her place… she complains it is too small and doesn’t know how to cook, but come on. Pizza take out… something!

[Reply]

ahahahah, oy vey manners. try living in Brazil!!! great post.

[Reply]

I have many unopened bottles of wine brought by friends… didn’t know that I had to open them. They always bring too much and we can’t finish them all!
But yes ditch the freaking phone.

[Reply]

Great post! Funny comments too! I do not get it when people want to wear shoes in the house. I occasionally bite my tongue when people bypass the collection of shoes by the door and walk their dirty boots all over my white carpet, WHERE MY BABY CRAWLS AROUND ALL DAY, but usually, I expect people to leave them at the door.

[Reply]

Baking Barrister stole the words from my mouth. I hate hate hate when people RSVP and then they don’t show or tell me 1 hour before that “something else came up”. My other big pet peeve is when somebody monopolizes the entire conversation of the evening. Dude (and here the word dude fits!) , there are other people in the room!

[Reply]

Loved your post! With the injection of humor, it just make me smile. As far as tweeting at the table, this is the time to take a break and enjoy the dinner, conversation and food. RSVPing would be on my list – there is a reason the host asks if you are able to make it.

[Reply]

I hate texters. HATE IT. DETEST IT. Even if we’re not talking dinner party, when I’m in a group of people I do not want to be the only one not checking my iPhone (cause you know, I don’t have one). It is rude and makes others feel ignored.

And when you RSVP, please keep the RSVP. It’s really disappointing when people back out for non-emergency reasons and makes me not want to invite them to my home. Hmph.

[Reply]

Great post! My husband just asked me the other day who we “owe” and the answer is nobody. We ALWAYS host and only have a handful of friends who reciprocate. They are always very appreciative so I don’t really mind, but it would be nice to have someone cook for me for a change. I agree wholeheartedly with #2. I always tell a host I don’t know well that I am veg but don’t expect any special treatment. We once had friends over for brunch who don’t eat eggs – a fact they neglected to share. They had potatoes for their meal.

[Reply]

So many great responses and it does seem there is a vein regarding RSVP’s. I hear constantly that no one honors them anymore. Who made that decision…because I’ll tell you this; if you RSVP to an event I’m holding, I’m honoring it by preparing for YOU!

I run a wine tasting meetup in Denver. The shock when I remove members who don’t honor RSVP’s is funny but guess they thought that invitation at that real person’s home was fictitious; now they know!

You know I’m a twitteraholic but no matter; it’s just as rude to sit and tweet as it is to sit at a dinner table and text or chat on a cellphone. Do what you’re really doing to the people you’re with. Turn your chair around and make it physically evident you are ignoring them for the mechanism.If you wouldn’t do that, maybe those other things should be put by the wayside during a meal too!

[Reply]

I hate people when they start texting..you talk to them and they get lost..it’s like talking to the empty wall. so really lose the celly as you said!:)) Funny photos!

[Reply]

So umm…is this the part where I ask if you and J wanna come over to my tiny apartment? ;)

[Reply]

I’m not Emily Post or anything, but it bugs when someone doesn’t offer the last helping of food to everyone before diving in. I consider THAT rude! (That last photo is adorable :))

[Reply]

Barbara | Vino Luci Style Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 18:20

@Karen from Globetrotter Diaries,

I had company last week, purposely reserved a small serving for my daughter and was a bit surprised when the male guest went and helped himself to the very last bite!

[Reply]

I used to irritate my mother to NO END with the elbows on the table. I try to be better now. But the equation of many bottles of wine + me = dinner party of epic regret! Merry Sombrero to all, and to all a good nightcap.

[Reply]

Shoes… a serious metatarsal of contention. I really really really hate it when I’m required to remove my shoes at someone’s home. They are a part of my outfit. I’m half dressed without them. I’m physically and psychologically more comfortable with them. I love having a nice home and beautiful carpets (things), but far more importantly to me, I want my guests (real live PEOPLE) to be comfortable, with or without their shoes. That’s why the make carpet cleaner and door mats.

Yes, and that no RSVP thing. I’d rather have people pick their noses or flaunt their uvulas than not RSVP!!!

[Reply]

marisa Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 20:39

I’m with you. The worst is either not having a fresh pedi or crap socks because that’s all that was clean and you needed them for the awesome boots some j-hole just made you take off.

[Reply]

Excellent advice!!! I have to echo the need to RSVP…this issue makes me crazy!

[Reply]

Great article. Seriously, only you could pull off looking hot with spinach between your teeth. You look insane in the first picture which probably explains Bentley’s picture.

[Reply]

You are a riot!!! Its a shame but some people really need to read those rules of Etiquette!!
thanks for making me laugh harder than I have all week!
Cheers
Dennis

[Reply]

Ohhhh my god, THANK YOU. For real. Both me and my husband are consistently amazed by the lack of manners by fellow ‘young people.’ We have one friend who always always ALWAYS breaks rules #3, 5, and 12. And once, hours before a very time consuming and expensive dinner party, said friend asked to invite some random person along. Um, no, and furthermore: WTF?

To me, the very core of good etiquette is asking the host what you can bring. Usually, the answer will be “nothing.” Even then, if you know that the host is dropping a good amount of $$ on a meal for you, it’s polite to bring something small anyway (wine, as you mentioned, is a cost effective example).

[Reply]

Bentley is a beautiful boy, looks a little like his father. Another tip, don’t bring inexpensive wine from the grocery store; better to bring one nice bottle rather than three cheap ones.

And about the shoes . . . . some individuals may have a foot deformity or leg length problem and don’t want to tell everyone so don’t insist on shoe removal.

[Reply]

Let me tell ya… I was just complaining to my husband how bad people’s manners are. You left off one big Etiquette tip. That is that one should reciprocate invitations. I mean it. I don’t care if you are intimidated because YOU don’t cook and *I* do. Make Kraft Mac N Cheese and as long as I don’t have to do the dishes and I get to drink your booze, I will be in heaven.

[Reply]

These are some great tips! Sometimes it seems as if etiquette has gone out of fashion. Even out on a fancy date with my husband of five years I am more proper than I am when we are eating ribs on the couch in front of the tv.One thing that irks me though is that my husband will answer his phone. Usually it is his work but come on, the place won’t burn down if he shuts his phone off for an hour!

The 15 minute early thing. Does it really matter that much? I thought that it was always better to be early than late.

[Reply]

Oh and also, when the host/hostess mention about taking shoes off before entering, the guests should be respectful towards that. I had an acquaintance who said “No way! We’re not in Asia” when I politely told him to take off his shoes. I mean, if he had a reason not to, he could have state it more politely, yes?

[Reply]

Nicole Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 10:02

How rude! My thought is that it is their home and they can decide. I always make sure to wear nice socks or have my toenails looking decent in case it is their wish to have me remove my shoes. I love shoes and feel they are an important part of my outfit, too, but how could I expect someone to get out carpet cleaner or have their hardwood floors refinished because I like my shoes on? I live in Michigan and I absolutely could not bring slush, snow and dirt into someone’s home! Even after a thorough scrape, a doormat does not cut it.@Christine,

[Reply]

Jolene (www.everydayfoodie.ca) Reply:
December 17th, 2010 at 23:47

I always find the shoes discussion interesting, as in Canada (or at least all the parts I have been in) everyone ALWAYS takes their shoes off when going into their home or anyone’s. I have never known anyone to wear their shoes in a house!

[Reply]

Your son is cute!

I can’t stand people who chew with mouth opened wide, so wide you can see their uvula. so disgusting…

[Reply]

DEFINITELY stay off the phone…unless it’s an emergency…especially texting! i hate that!

[Reply]

Love it! Mine is please actually RSVP to the invitation and do it on time.

[Reply]