But Salty, how is that possible? It’s not even over! (Plus, we all seem to remember you getting eliminated- did you finally lick the brown acid off the spherified slice of encapsulated pie?) I know, I know, but really, it’s true- winner winner chicken dinner right here over in my little single-wide slice of cyberspace- how about you? Are you a winner too?
Here’s the thing. Project Food Blog, hosted by Foodbuzz, was/is a contentious contest that generated a shitstorm of blog posts, tweets, really bad videos, controversy, burns, costumes (and more costumes), sleeplessness, memories, blood and tears. Does the blogosphere really need one more highfalutin hussy dropping her lil’ dime bag in the mix (that’s my ill-conceived slang for do y’all want to hear my .02)? I can hear the resounding shouts of yes, yes, please Salty, lay it on me baby, tell me exactly what you think, oh Stiletto Ninja of the Chartreuse Night!!!
Ok, ok, enough with the accolades (winners get accolades, you know?) and stop throwing your pudding panties and crotchless cupcakes at me- I’ll tell you what I think. And I’ll do it in a way I couldn’t throughout the duration of the contest, because, you know, I highly censored myself when I was making foie gras powder look like crack cocaine seeing as how I didn’t want to offend any potential voters. But now, now that I’ve transcended Project Food Blog and licked my loser pile of thermo-reversible jelly up off the floor to discover that I am, in fact, still me, I can call it as I see it, F-bombs, thinly-veiled innuendo and all.
And the main thing I want to say is that neener neener neener, I FUCKING WON! But guess what? At the end of the day, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US WHO ENTERED THIS CONTEST WITH ANY VERACITY WON! We are all fucking winners! And I don’t mean this like the stupid “my kid is an honor student at Slacker Academy this quarter” winners, either, because I’m definitely more part of the “my kid beat up your honor student” contingency. Yes, kids, in this contest, many Childs were Left Behind, but guess what (I’m looking at you, Laura Bush)- THAT’S OK! One person may take the cake, but we can all chug the champagne and play strip poker til the wee hours, so suck it up, bitches, give yourself a gold star and humor me.
Let’s peer, for a moment, through the looking glass, and count the ways we won. How many of us made new friends? Show of hands here please… I can honestly say I made friendships I will keep for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t trade that for all the gold neckclocks in Flavor Flav’s collection. How many of us were introduced to blogs we previously didn’t know existed but now deeply admire? How many of us are plotting cities to visit based on said new friends and blogger crushes, and how many of those awesome people are actually coming to see us? How many bottles of limoncello were personally sent to us by hyper-talented other participants in the contest (ok, maybe just me!)?
This section of the ranting essay is all about HUMAN CONNECTIONS. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again- at the end of the day, at the end of our lives, what do you think really matters? Whether Foodbuzz put on some blogging contest back in 2010 or whether you’re gazing into the eyes of the people you love, holding their hands, reaffirming those human connections that compose the most profound moments of your life? If the blogging contest in any way had something to do with you encountering someone who touched your life irrevocably, shouldn’t you offer up a hallelujah or a hell yeah to Foodbuzz and say- thanks, guys, thanks for being my wing man so I could properly stalk Foodwoolf and get her to reveal her mad genius to me!?
Why else are we winners? Because we were inspired to be better. We thought harder, wrote purtier, created crazier, promoted wisely-er, and cooked some damn fine food in the process. We traveled to foreign lands, we splayed our souls for the world to see, we edited, we videoed, and we challenged ourselves to perform at our personal bests. Undeniably, Project Food Blog will inspire a generation of well-crafted bloggers. Many of us now realize there is a social and moral responsibility behind our words and have attempted to reconcile that with writing about food.
Personally, Project Food Blog helped distill the convoluted freneticiscms of my disjoined thought processes into something resembling cohesion. I realized that I need structure and I like assignments. I realized food and words are my medium through which to make a big ol’ stiletto stamp on the world and I’m now on a singularly-focused mission to do just that. I want people to think about what they shove into their Strawberry Chapstick-rimmed gobs whether it’s hempseed granola and two teaspoonfuls of Yoplait or a solitary pizza flower. Project Food Blog helped me come to that realization so, you guessed it, I’m a winner yet again!
Here’s the thing. I made a promise. I said that if I won Project Food Blog I would wear a meat dress to accept my crown. Well, there will likely be no crown for me unless @bayareaglutton fashions one out of a sausage necklace and sends it my way, but because I’m counting my blessings and counting my naughtly little self among the winning faction, I still probably owe it to you to wear a meat dress, don’t I? Don’t get all excited and scroll down- THERE IS NO MEAT DRESS IN THIS POST. But, it’s coming. You, my especially-beloved, spectacular readers, will be subjected to the blinding vision of me in a meat dress forever documented on this here blog at SOME POINT (yes, I’m wishy washy) in the next few months. Now if anyone has any ideas on how to properly fasten prosciutto to slippery skin, send ‘em my way.
PS- In the real contest that’s still really going on and is not just manifest in the chicken scratches that come out of my ass- er, imagination, vote for NoRecipes- he’s the total package and deserves to be the actual winner. Maybe I can even convince him to wear a meat dress too.