Eat Your Wears: a Locavore Fascinator is MadCap Fun

posted in: Cooking, Dine, Experience, Savory, Seattle-ing | 26

Summer is coming and with it, a full dance card. The weekends are filling up fast and the lingering question in our minds burning hotter than VD in a jacuzzi is “what on earth should I wear to all these parties?” Well, my pretties, you can stop fretting in your fiddleheads because I’ve got you covered for at least one salty soiree.

Do you have foodie friends like mine? Do they slap your hands if your fingers clasp an out-of-season watermelon from the buffet? Do they whip out their refractometers and tell you the brix (natural sugar content) of your Rainier cherry pie? Wear this hat to the next fashionable food fete and witness the judgement flee from their minds as it’s replaced by straight-up Ali G-style “respek.”

Inspired by the global fascination with fascinators spawned by The Royal Wedding, I have created the accessory of summer for the true locavore-about-town. I am no Philip Treacy, but I tried to do the iconic couture milliner proud. This fascinator boasts a cap made from beet greens, bok choy, fiddlehead ferns and morel mushrooms all foraged, farmed or found within 50 miles of Seattle. Beet stems provide a jaunty counterpoint to the verdant thicket of greens circling the head. The bok choy frames the face in thatches like a swimming cap from the 1930’s, only tastier.

The fascinator’s pinnacle is a crowning jewel so brilliant no man could ever have created it- an ostrich eggshell, provided by the charming and dapper Andy Windack. Andy recently embarked on a 10-day roadtrip from LA to the Olympic rainforest outside Seattle, and he picked up the egg from an ostrich sanctuary along the way. He was kind enough to donate the shell to my fascinator project and my first thought was “stuff it with a bird” so I did. A roasted quail (from a Washington producer) sits on a nest of new potatoes and enjoys one last swansong from her six foot perch.

One of the single greatest aspects of this fascinator is its edible quality. I don’t know how many times I’ve been milling near the wine bar at a party unwilling to get food for fear of giving up my drinking hands for the time it takes to fill up, eat from and discard a plate. Instead, I gaze longingly at platters of asparagus yet clutch my valise of wine, knowing full well I fall into the boozer rather than the eater contingent at parties.

This results in rapid onset of drunkenness (ROD), a condition I am unable to remedy despite repeatedly taking 12 steps, which I am told is the only cure. I have taken the 12 steps in spiked heels, galoshes, sneakers, and even ninja tabi shoes, but it never works. The ROD is something I have learned to live with, besides, it can be fun when it also results in spontaneous nudity (how else did you think I came up with the idea for the Nudie Foodies?).

In any case, the locavore fascinator is like a healing salve for my ROD. Every time I take another sip and feel a tipsy spell coming on, I can simply reach skyward and tear off a hunk of quail to nibble on, which staves off slurred speech for at least an extra ten minutes.

You are sure to be the life of the party if you make and wear a locavore fascinator. Your friends will clamor for a closer look, and you can keep the object of your amorous affection entertained with bites of bok choy so he will stand by your side rather than wander off in search of “fresh meat.” Summer is nothing if not the time for madcap fun, and the locavore fascinator is the literal manifestation of just that.

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26 Responses

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  2. Wow, is this called wearing your hat and then eating it too? I want to see the caul fat dress!

  3. It is so…. you. A tad large for a fascinator, but Philip Treacy will steal that design in a trice – you watch. J’adore.

  4. that is so fun and colorful!

    sad I didn’t get to meet you at BHFood this weekend!

  5. Not sure how I missed this until now…it’s very awesome. Anyway, want you to know that meeting you was a highlight of what was otherwise a fairly lackluster weekend (BHFood). I’ve got some cute pics of you from the sausage session btw.

  6. Linda lol! I love you. Your hat totally made my stressed out crazy day.


  7. Peter

    The most amazing hat ever!!!

  8. I remember a tweet about an ostrich egg. I was wondering what you were going to concoct but didn’t fathom that it would be a hat. You look great in it!

  9. Morgan

    Fascinator to be worn with a Nicole Dextras orginial:

  10. So wrong and yet so right.

  11. This is absolutely killer. You are my kinda girl!

  12. You are amazing. What could possibly top this?

    Recipe for your morning-after breakfast:
    Combine your fascinator ingredients (boned) with beaten ostrich yolk and white. Turn into medium-hot oiled black skillet. Cook on low heat for 5 min. Finish in oven at 325 F for 15 min. Turn onto regal serving platter for lovely fascinator frittata.

    (I can’t imagine a guest gauche enough to whip out a refractometer to measure the Brix of a Rainier cherry pie. Cherry Brix would be measured pre-pie and the pie postponed if Brix inadequate.)

  13. Oh, if only you could have stepped out of the limo right behind Camilla’s daughters.

  14. Brooke@foodwoolf

    Wow. Wow. Wow. You really are one of a kind. I love how your mind works. I marvel at the intricate twists and turns and the resulting fashonista stylings. You are beauty, intelligence, wit, and high fashion all at once. Thank you for being you! I love you!

  15. YES!!! I love it! The Wind Attack and I ate this eggs innards. We fried it sunny side up in a huge frying pan. He told everyone at my Greek Feaster party about your fascinator. So creative! I especially love the fiddlehead fern flair. I will stand by you at the next party – maybe bring some almonds to throw in there, pregame style.

  16. One of the more clever, amusing things I’ve run across in a long time. Seriously funny and evocative of Portlandia. Good for you.

  17. Kathy Gori

    Love the bird in a bonnet!!!

  18. Fabulous.

    Far better than anything that I saw at The Wedding.

    Takes ‘hatching a new trend’ to a whole other level.

  19. You are just amazing Linda! You are rockin that “hat”. :) love you and love what you do!


  20. food fashionista! This is beyond out of control in the most amazing way. Such a wonderful foodie mind at work. Cheers

  21. I haven’t seen fiddleheads since my father used to eat them! You are the queen of culinary fascinators and should be invited to attend the Royal Ascot next month.

  22. I admit…I’ve been remiss and not visited as much as I should have. Knee deep in my own project of re-branding has taken massive amounts of time but I could not resist that tempting tweet. Consumed with the Royal Wedding and now fascinated by fascinators…I had to visit and my dear…you did not disappoint. Not that you ever do, but this is over the top Salty and I love, love, love it!

  23. I too suffer from the affliction ROD. Who knew the solution was as simple as donning a fascinator. I’ll give your love to Kate when I see her in London later this month. LOL

  24. I I I…don’t know what to say. I would say you have outdone yourself but I know that will just add fuel to the fire. I think you are genius in the sick sort of way that makes me love you.

    Linda Reply:

    @Janis, there was a caul fat veil but it was so good i decided to hold it in reserve for an entire dress.

  25. Even better than I imagined…lol, only you my friend.

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