Dear Cupcake,

posted in: Cooking, Sweet | 33

You are dead to me. Ever since a shop on at least every-other-block in Seattle decided to festoon their windows with week-old versions of you, hawking each for upwards of $4.00 a pop, I have wished you a slow, painful end.

Cupcake- you are as bad as the word “moist”. A moist cupcake is the worst thing I can visualize behind closed eyes. Except for a moist, yummy cupcake in my pants.  “Yummy” and “pants” round out the ménage a quatre of words I loathe with the immensity of a bovine boner.

Cupcake- you are old news. You are just like the crabs you caught in college that stuck around while you were taking the GRE for admission to grad school that made you itch so bad you only scored a 300 and are now pumping gas in Boring, Oregon. I can still see those clawed creatures inching their way across your coconut cream frosting. Both of you need to delouse yourselves with a crab comb made from porcupine quills and succumb to the raking pain.

Cupcake- no matter how you gussy yourself up, you still look like shit on the inside. Literally. Your brown crumb disintegrates in the mouths of greedy children like diarrhea in a flushing toilet bowl. Every brushstroke of buttercream and glob of ganache you smear on your gaping face only strengthens the fact that you are the Joan Rivers of the baked goods world. But unlike Joan, you don’t have a passel of cabanas all over the globe and enough disposable income to support a poolboy in every one.

Cupcake, you are less than Joan Rivers. Even SHE snagged a husband, albeit one who chose heaven over her after he contemplated their wedded future. You will never be married because you are poor and squat. If we were living in old-school Native American days and you somehow managed to lure a mate because poor squatness didn’t matter as much back then, he would soon banish you to grunt in a menstrual hut ALL the time, not just when you were on your period, you little red velvet trollop.

Cupcake- you are as cloying as Sarah Palin, and you’re almost as dumb. They make reality shows about your “handlers” just like they make them about the people who do Sexy Sarah’s hair. In case you were wondering, Big Hair Alaska promises to be equally as mentally-stimulating as Cupcake Wars. The fact that both of you induce reality shows the way ipecac induces retching is a coincidence that is not lost on intelligent America, aka the vast majority of us who see through your saccharine charm.

On the outside you and Sarah are cute, despite the fact that you’re both older than a loaf of cracked wheat bread in Gluten Free Girl’s house, but it’s not hard to spot your inner vitriol. One bite of you and one listen to Sarah makes me seize up and twitch like a junkie in jail. Your fop of fondant is slicker than the tiny patch of oily ocean that, according to Sarah, separates Alaska from Russia by a coupla football fields. Not to mention that Sarah’s bouffant after a rough-and-tumble day snowmobiling with her son grandson lovechild looks just like your freshly-shellacked frosting at Trophy Cupcakes.

Cupcake, in surely your most loathsome incarnation, you have been liquored up and bottled as vodka. Yes, cupcake vodka exists in this world. No wonder war, famine and illiteracy plague us- people are too busy solving other problems, like HOW TO TURN FUCKING CUPCAKES INTO VODKA!

I mean really, why cupcake vodka? Is it so skinny sorority bitches can taste the cold comfort of lemon chiffon before they puke it back up and blame their bulimia on the more socially acceptable disease called “like, oh my gawd, I got SOOOO wasted last night”? There is something so wrong with this picture I’m going to have to stop painting it right now and just rip the canvas into tatters the way Vincent Van Gogh might have if he were hopped up on performance enhancers like Mike Tyson.

Cupcake, it’s time. You should have perished along with the plucky pioneer who invented you back in the 19th century. Please, cupcake, for the love of humanity and all things delicious but not yummy in the world, disappear the way of fanny packs and Milli Vanilli before I have to lead an anti-cupcake crusade myself. I can assure you, a cupcake massacre is not a pretty sight, as anyone who has attended a toddler birthday party can attest. Go now. Go quietly. Do go gentle into that good night.

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33 Responses

  1. I just love the way you work. Thanks for sharing this great and interesting stuff!!

  2. Even worse: cake pops

  3. Eh. If it makes you feel better think of them as muffins with slightly boring ingredients. Hmm… just realized that’s how I think about them — I mean, you cook them in muffin tins so why not?

    For the record I love cooking things in muffin tins. At 6:45 in the morning, when I’m trying to get something together for breakfast before wrangling the kids off to school it’s kind of awesome the things you can whip up, pour into muffin tins, and then have ready after the obligatory circus of “I can’t find my jeans” and “Yes, it was fun reading after lights out but you have to get up now” and “Daaad, can you sign this?”

    Earlier this week I discovered popovers. Which take longer to cook than my emergency fallback dutch babies but share the major advantages of a) having lots of protein and b) being barkingly simply to make while c) almost zeroing out the sugar. Score!

    There’s also a fascinating recipe for potted meat in cabbage in James Peterson’s Vegetables that’s prepared in muffin tins. And… ok, so turns out it’s a seriously time-consuming method for making homemade Spam. (Who knew the flavor came from juniper berries? Who knew you could make something Spam pink without artificial colors?)

    Which brings me to my point (turns out there is a point.)

    If muffins don’t work for you either (I suspect they might not) and if popovers remind you too much of cream puffs (or is that just Kathy Gori who doesn’t like cream puffs?) just think of cup cakes as vegetarian cabbage-wrapped homemade Spam. Without the meat and juniper berries. And with crinkly paper cups instead of cabbage.

    Works for me!

    figleaf

    p.s. ok, I actually like cupcakes. But yeah, I don’t think I’ve had a good boutique cupcake, including the original fad-starters at that SATC bakery in Greenwich Village.

  4. katesfoxyfoods

    Love it, very poetic, it truly made me feel angry at cupcakes. Though I do feel similarly, they are more of a decoration than a food and there are much better things that can be used as decoration therefore making their whole existence obsolete.

  5. Cupcake Wars, Tasty Cakes, Crumbs…what is this world coming to, and fondant; never understood fondant. They say (the bakery people, even Duff) that if you don’t like it just peel it off and don’t eat it. If you don’t want to eat a smoothed out piece of sugar paste why is it even there?

  6. Are you giving the Cupcake too much attention?

  7. As a complete Parisian snob I can only agree with you. Merci de tout mon coeur Linda, so fucking true about the whole damn thing. On top of it, they do look overweight, horrible mix of color, surrounded by either a pink/brown paper box, or a gigantic plastic box.

  8. Good thing I never bought that whoopie pie pan. ;-) (Like ever!) You’ll be reassured that I’ve never made a cupcake worth a damn.

  9. Since you so hate the cupcake what’s the proper way to just get a little bit o cake? You know, like a cups worth?

    Linda Reply:

    @Clive (handsome), a slice. a normal, basic slice of cake.

  10. I love this! I thought I was the only one not on the cupcake band wagon. If I see one more cupcake blog post I think I’ll scream.

    Linda Reply:

    @janet foster, Go ahead, let it out, scream. It’ll make you feel so much better.

  11. I’m with ya. Cupcakes and anything “funfetti” need to be put down.

  12. Mike easton

    If you think fanny packs are dead, come hang out in the market for a while! there’s a fucking revival!
    If no slacks or pants? -do you prefer “trousers” of “britches”

  13. Whoopie pies, cupcakes and cakes crammed into glass jars…the appalling abuse that’s heaped on cakes in this world is truly embarrassing. I tweeted about this a few weeks ago…what did cake ever do to these people to cause them to inflict this kind of nonsensical torture on it?

  14. But what about muffcakes???

  15. I haven’t even leared how to frost a cupcake properly and they are already out of fashion. just my luck!

  16. I loaths the words ‘slacks’ and ‘thongs’ and ‘foodie’ – all y’all need to get over yourselves and relax a bit. Cupcakes are just a convenient way to eat buttercream. So is a spoon. And a spoon doesn’t crumble in your mouth … okay – score 1 for spoons.

    Linda Reply:

    @Shannon W., slacks is definitely high on my list too.

  17. I am not big on the cupcake..my husband however loves them and my recent cupcake post was because a dear friend undergoing cancer treatment asked specifically for them..my cupcakes are never very attractive when I make them..I just don’t have the knack. Glad they’re dead, also tired of macarons and cream puffs

    Linda Reply:

    @Kathy Gori, Perhaps we need a “tired food trends” post…

  18. Yeah, Fuck cupcakes. Hey, what is wrong with the word pants? Slacks upset me but not pants.

    Linda Reply:

    @Janis, “pants” makes me thing of dirty dog tongues.

  19. I was never big into cupcakes. I like them if they are in front of me, but they aren’t desserts I crave like cookies or ice cream or cheesecake.

    I am also outraged at how trendy they are now and how they cost so much. Cupcake Jones, Saint Cupcake, to name a few trendy ones in Portland–are very spendy for something that’s not that spectacular. Most of the time they are rather dry!

    Linda Reply:

    @Lisa, dry because they make them weeks in advance so they’ll stand up to the ungodly amounts of fondant.

  20. I hate the whole cupcake thing. Actually, my fav cupcakes are at kroger, and I get them on sale all the time. Cupcakes at those “fancy” places are not even that tasty. Just fussy made up cake. Also, yeah, like they are saying above, they are bastardizing macaroons now. Maybe they will kill unicorns next…who knows.

    Linda Reply:

    @MiraUncut, If they kill unicorns, we will eat them. Like cannibals.

  21. How timely! I am literally posting upwards of a dozen cupcakes tomorrow. Eep — apologies in advance.

    Linda Reply:

    @Julie @ Willow Bird Baking, All in good fun.

  22. Oh…

    I remain split on the cupcake issue. I loathe “gourmet” cupcake shops. In what world is a cupcake worth $5.00? Most importantly why would I want to eat a mocha coconut extreme anything? I have no love for the Gigi’s Cupcakes of the world.

    However, I love homemade cupcakes {in fact my most recent post is a cupcake recipe}. There is something nostalgic about them. I don’t make them often, but admittedly they remind me of birthday parties from my youth. Unpretentious and simple.

    I think they have a place in the backyard during kids’ parties and girls’ nights. They do not have a place in a cardboard box with a bow.

    Linda Reply:

    @Stephanie @ The Brunette Foodie, I’ll give you kid parties. Maybe. As long as I don’t have to attend.

  23. Unfortunately, mini pies and mediocre macarons are the new cupcakes.

    Linda Reply:

    @Melody Fury // GourmetFury.com, If I see another whoopie pie…

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