Contrary to popular belief, I follow doctor’s orders. It’s just that no doctors ever tell me not to josh and jostle with drag queens on Halloween, or not to do flying leaps off skeeball lanes in skyscraper stilettos. But if I happen to do those things and then after the fact a doctor tells me how to ensure that they don’t happen again, I listen good. My ever so well-meaning orthopedic surgeon informed me that I have long, slender bones. In the spider world I would be more daddy longlegs, less brown recluse.
My bones are spindly, so they are more prone to breakage. I’m like one of those really dry wishbones from a big ol’ turkey that has been baking in the kitchen window for weeks- you can’t help but snap me on the first try. Over the years I’ve fallen prey to a boy on rollerskates and an appaloosa with a mean streak (my wrist, both) as well as a giant overhang while rock-climbing (my spine). And now, twice in one month the dancefloor dropdown and the skeeball stiletto swan dive took out my wrist and foot. Yoda only knows what fate has in store for my hip.
What with all that crumpling and cracking, my doctor has instructed me to double up on my calcium regime. He also told me to strength train, which sounds like a fate worse than sitting under Jessica Simpson’s ass when she farts, so if you have any good tips on how to make that fun, let me know. But the good thing is that because I followed doctor’s orders and made a calcium-laden dish just before my foot surgery, I get to share it with you. And it is the business. That’s because it has Doritos in it.
I don’t care who you are, if I put you in a locked room with an opened bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, your willpower wouldn’t last an hour. If I have them within a mile of my house my internal homing device triggers and I sniff around like a Pointer in search of a duck until I find them. Cool Ranch Doritos are the one throwback from childhood that really still are as good as they were back in the day, unlike Butterfingers or school lunch Sloppy Joe’s. So malign me all you want for being lowbrow and trashy, but I dare you to take my locked room open bag test, I guarantee you’ll fail in a really delicious way.
You know the concept of high-low? In fashion it’s important not to, say, go out of the house decked head-to-toe in Dolce and Gabbana. You’ll look like the worst kind of tragic trend whore. Instead, you wear one signature bling piece that you pair with something casual, then perhaps accessorize with an edgy pair of heels and voila! You’ve avoided the What Not to Wear style section for another day. High-low works very well in the kitchen- just look at all the gaga over David Chang’s Momofuku googoo. In this mac and cheese the Doritos add the trash, but the fact that they’re extruded into macaroni noodles maintains the class. Glistening chunks of yellowfin tuna don’t hurt either.
To add extra oomph, when I extruded the macaroni noodles I added pulverized Doritos to the semolina, so the noodles themselves are actually Doritos macaroni. If you don’t have a pasta extruder, you can certainly omit this step and just use the Doritos crumble. The flavor will still be there. Because no tuna mac would be complete without the tuna part, I also chose to toss some Doritos-encrusted seared yellowfin into the casserole. It would up cooking through as opposed to remaining rare on the inside since I actually baked the tuna with the dish, but if you wanted it rare you could just lay slabs of tuna on at the end. Without further ado I’ll present the recipe that will make an honest woman out of you, if you aren’t already. This is the way to a man’s heart, pocketbook and sex organ, depending on whether you’re Carrie, Charlotte or Samantha.
Fancy Tuna Mac: Doritos and Yellowfin class it up and trash it up
For the noodles:
- 150 grams Doritos, finely ground in spice grinder
- 300 grams Semolina flour
- 150 milliliters Water
Combine these ingredients and extrude into macaroni noodles according to your pasta extruder instructions.
For the casserole:
- 3 tablespoons butter
- 3 tablespoons flour
- 1 cup whole milk
- 1 cup heavy cream
- ½ teaspoon garlic powder
- ½ teaspoon paprika
- 8 ounces white cheddar, shredded
- 8 ounces muenster, shredded
- 2 egg yolks
- Cooking spray
- 1 lb yellowfin tuna
- 2 cups crushed Doritos, in a ziplock bag
- 1 recipe noodles from above, or one pound dried macaroni noodles
Preheat oven to 400°F.
Melt the butter in a medium saucepan. Stir in the flour until no lumps remain. Whisk in the milk and cream. When the mixture thickens slightly, add the garlic powder, paprika and cheeses, stirring constantly. When the cheese melts and the mixture becomes a smooth sauce, remove from heat. Whisk a little of the sauce into the egg yolks, then add the egg yolks back into the sauce. Stir to combine.
Set a medium skillet over medium heat and spray with cooking spray. Toss the yellowfin tuna in the bag of crushed Doritos until coated on all sides. Sear the tuna on all sides. When it cools, chop it into chunks.
Place the noodles in a 10×10 casserole dish. Ladle the sauce over the noodles and mix in the tuna chunks. Top with the remaining Doritos crumbs. Bake covered for 15 minutes and uncovered for 15 minutes in a 400°F oven.