Win It: The Biggest Giveaway A Food Blogger Has Ever Given Away!!!!!

posted in: Cooking, Experience, Savory, Seattle-ing, Sweet | 56

*disclaimer: Revelation S. Public Relations graciously donated my soul© for the purposes of this blog post. They did not force me to write anything nice about it (except for in the contract that they made me sign in my own blood) and they did not compensate me for making any of the below claims (they did buy me a Mercedes, but it was totally unrelated). All of my opinions are my own, even though I discovered that I was a sheep in a past life during a recent session with my psychic friend, who is a mescaline addict, but she really is clairvoyant so I overlook it.

I have been in heated discussions with the PR firm that represents The Devil and hell for quite some time, and I am pleased to announce the fact that they’ve finally agreed to this most epic of all giveaways! That’s right, folks, Revelation S. PR and I are proud to offer my soul© to you in this literal once-in-a-lifetime opportunity*see below.

Unlike those Kitchenaid mixer and fad diet cookbook giveaways you perpetually enter and never win, this giveaway of my soul© is open to residents not just in the US, not just in English-speaking countries, but THE WHOLE WORLD, THE GALAXY, THE UNIVERSE**see below.

But first, as with any good product review, let me tell you a little about my soul©, including what makes it so special, and why you need it in your kitchen. Whenever I’m feeling lackluster because I’ve got fondant coming out of every orifice and my cupcakes still aren’t as pretty as Victoria Beckham’s breasts, I reach for my soul©- the handiest cooking tool in my arsenal. My soul© is like the Swiss Army Knife of kitchen gadgets. One minute it helps me frost cakepops like an apron-clad mofo, and the next, I call upon it to provide the secret magic in a batch of yummy brownies- well that and the hash tar I toss in.

My soul© is equal parts tool and ingredient. Do you have anything like that in your kitchen? I didn’t think so. I draw upon it for inspiration and it guides me into making groundbreaking and extremely-original things like a salad I invented last summer composed of mozzarella, tomatoes, and basil. I am basically a genius for coming up with that combination- who would have thought it could be so brilliant? I call it the Eserpac™ Salad because it’s this Italian word I really like spelled backwards. My soul© came up with that name too, awesome, right? My soul© is so mind-numbingly awesome that it is currently powdercoated chartreuse with skull and crossbones. If you win it, you can, of course, have it painted however you like. It can even match your mixer!!!!

Every time I use my soul© to make something that I post on my blog, I make it onto Tastespotting and Foodgawker. I bet your mixer can make that claim- NOT. If you follow me on Twitter, you probably noticed my high acceptance rate to both of those sites because each time I get a photo accepted, I graciously tweet thanks to Foodgawker and Tastespotting for publishing my photo. I always include a link to my blog post in those tweets, you know, in case you missed it the other 75 times I tweeted my {NEW BLOG POST} that day. My soul© also taught me how to use one of those tweet automation helpers like Hootsuite so that I can tweet my new posts EVEN MORE FREQUENTLY, even in the rare moments when I can’t actually be on Twitter personally, which is AMAZING!!!

While I do take my phone with me when I’m pooping so that I don’t miss one hot minute of Twitter action, there are times when I have to tear myself away, like when I’m sleeping. The tweet automator helps me reach my big audience in Uzbekistan who are awake while I’m sleeping, which is excellent because they are very interested in learning how to make the unique-yet-global cookie recipes I develop. My especial favorite cookie recipe is from the very depths of my soul©, and it is so easy because you just mix a box of Hamburger Helper with some sugar and M&M’s. I just LOVE doctoring up boxed mixes because it makes me feel like I cooked quite a feast even though it was really semi-homemade- SHHHH, don’t tell anyone.

Another great semi-homemade recipe I use my soul© to make is the one for my famous macarons. I combine matzo ball mix with egg whites and Jujube candies. They are so unbelievably tasty. Like nom nom yummy goodness. I call them Jujurons- get it? They get feet EVERY TIME- it’s so cool to watch them grow that I sit on the floor in front of the oven piping mac batter into my mouth while my forehead is plastered to the oven door so I can see the macs get their feet, which I call smooshed vaginas, because god knows they look more like squished vaginas than feet, but whatevs.

So yeah, my soul© is pretty great because it can do all that, and pretty much anything else you could ever imagine, including things like making endive taste good (GO TEAM #ENDIVA), sculpting edible penises out of Kerrygold butter, and it even helps me gain the courage to talk to really famous food bloggers at conferences, because you know, so many opportunities have happened to me as a result of having Ree Drummond retweet my tweets. By the way, every time she does it I print out the RT and frame it, and then I hang it on my kitchen wall in between the Julia Child pegboard and my collection of heart-shaped bundt pans.

Now Let’s talk about the many ways you can enter this giveaway to win my soul©:

First: Leave a comment on this post telling what you plan to do with it when you win! Bonus points the cleverer you are, so don’t just say you want my soul© to help you make better kale chips, k?

Second: Follow me on Twitter @saltyseattle. And when you tweet at me, be sure to put a little dot before my handle so that everyone can see our riveting conversation and it’s not just visible to those who follow both of us. Sample tweet: . @saltyseattle I love you so much because you are amazing, awesome, and extra good at making super cool food stuffs. When I get this tweet, don’t worry, I’ll be sure to retweet it not because it’s self-congratulatory, but because it might get you more followers because we are friends.

Third: Promise to vote for me in every contest I enter from now until I make it really big and have my own Food Network show called SLUT: Salty Licks Unctuous Tripe, because you know how much I like offal, almost as much as I like cupcakes. And not because it’s trendy, either.  Also vote for my kid, should I choose to enter him into modeling contests, since he is definitely the cutest toddler around, which you would know if you followed me on Instagram because I post a picture of him there at least once a day. Especially when he’s eating cupcakes and offal.

Fourth: Which reminds me, follow me on Instagram.

Fifth: Create a facebook fan page for SaltySeattle and teach me how to use it. Then “like” it and get all your friends to “like” it too.

Sixth: Follow my pinboards on Pinterest because even though it seems like it is one giant copyright infringement waiting for a lawsuit, and people post shit there to make themselves seem organized and cooler than they really are even though scrapbooking has never been and will never be cool, it’s actually a dope website. Note: I don’t have my own name on Pinterest because some enterprising individual decided it better fit her online persona than mine (even though she is from Schenectady), so find me at lindasalty1023.

Seventh: Retweet this post as many times as you like- every RT is a new entry into the contest!

Eighth: Make one of my recipes, but be sure to “adapt” it if you’re going to publish it on your own blog. Adapting can be as simple as converting the metric to tablespoons and cups, because even though you did everything exactly the same as me, it counts that you’ve adapted it just by saying that word. Maybe use parsley instead of thyme as a garnish though to make it look like you really changed things.

Ninth: Send an email to every PR company you know telling them about how cool I am so that they will invite me to neat places and I can write about them IF I WANT, not because it’s implied that I would just because they sent me on a free trip, plied me with liquor, and put me up in a fancy hotel with a bunch of other really great food bloggers.

Tenth: Scroll through my Instagram feed and “like” every picture of me with other famous foodie friends of mine like Elise Bauer, David Lebovitz, and all the other awesome celebs that are totally my friends because I have their private emails and we talk to each other on Skype and I write public tweets to them that say things like “see your DM’s” so that everyone else knows how tight of friends we are.

Eleventh: DO NOT follow me on Google+. I don’t use it because I’m not a big loser (that’s what I’m supposed to say, right?)***see below.

Twelfth: Make me baked goods and send them to me in the mail. Alternatively, forage something for me. But only if I could also find it within 100 miles of my house, because you know I adhere to a strict locavore diet.

Thirteenth: Eradicate arugula from the earth. Because everyone knows it is the vilest green on our fair planet, even though it’s more pervasive than ramps and fiddleheads this season.

So there you have it, 13 chances to WIN MY SOUL©. For every entry, leave a comment saying what you did. I will announce the winner of my soul on December 31st, 2012, which may or may not be the end of the world, but it probably is because that’s what the Devil told me when we were talking on G Chat the other day. Don’t tell him I told you tho, k, because I hate it when he’s mad at me. He burns me.

*All twitter-based entries must contain the hashtag: #saltyseattleisgivingawayhersoulinconjunctionwiththedevilisntthatsocooliwanttowinitbecauseineedtohaveitinmykitchensoIcancookgoodshitlikecupcakes Yes, I know this is longer than 140 characters, but you’re going to have to come up with a way to make it work.

**As long as you don’t pronounce bruschetta “brooshetta”. If you do that, you might as well commit suicide now by gorging yourself on Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Bowl®.

***If you follow me on Google+ it will still count as an entry. I like to be followed everywhere, but I would never admit it out loud.

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56 Responses

  1. Thank you for the opportunity!!! I plan to use your soul to making an entire wardrobe out of peeps. It’s gonna be amazing!

  2. I have been notified that you have lifted the soul© from my original work as posted on my blog and have reposted it as your own. Please remove the soul© from your blog or give me credit and a backlink or I will be forced to let all of my followers know about your soul© hacking and lack of good manners. Just because you (and every other blogger after I began blogging) claim to have come up with a spontaneous soul© in a moment of pure genius inspiration does not mean that you can adapt my work without permission. I own the intellectual rights to all souls© -although the Chinese are giving me a real run for my money.

    ***seriously funny post thanks!

    Linda Reply:

    @Gabi, This comment has utterly delighted me, thanks :)

    Gabi Reply:

    @Linda, I am still rolling on the floor over this post. You are awesome!
    xox

  3. Well I don’t need to win your soul because I’m thinking we’re already soulmates. Twins separated at birth? So jelly you said it all and not me. Except for the part about arugula which I grow in a small box on my patio and lovingly snip to make perfect salads thereby giving me the auspicious title of “Urban Farmer” while also scoring big locavore points. LOVE THIS.

  4. Might there be any chance of winning a pair of your fabulous SOLES© instead?**

    ** You know, ’cause your shoes are #amazing.

  5. Holy shiitake, you are 50 shades of salty, woman! 90210 is desperate for a soul© and yours would be perfect. Well, almost perfect. Your soul© just needs a little nip and tuck, lots of Botox (just hurts like a rubber band!) and a spray tan. So freaking HOT!

  6. Pure genius! I want to win your soul because I’m a single mother of 10 on a low income and hopefully that has tugged your heartstrings enough to let me win ;)

  7. I would like to win your soul© to complete my collection.

  8. I’m still not entirely what all winning your soul entails, but I want in on it; I’ll figure out the rest later.

  9. You are too much! Love this post.

    However, you are missing one more category. Those that need constant affirmation on Twitter and Facebook that they are good parents, excellent cooks, amazing photographers, have the right haircut and are just all around, perfect, and need to be reminded of that. A lot.

    Can’t wait to see what you post next. :-)

  10. I would like to enter to win your soul because my junk obviously isn’t big enough to write an awesome post like this. Seriously. Rad. Thank you.

  11. I am donating it to Science. Maybe ‘they’ can help.

  12. I love you. But then, I love arugula too.

  13. I need your soul to ‘gain the courage to talk to really famous food bloggers’. Status and all that are SO IMPORTANT TO ME! I base my entire self worth on who I know, how often they RT me, and if they post the photos of themselves with me. I also look to see if they post the photos where I just ‘happen’ to be standing behind them, smiling at the camera … like we are BFFs, even tho I am too shy to approach them. I WANT THAT SOUL!!

  14. What would I do with two souls? Both of them well used… XOGREG

  15. I am not really interested in the contest but could you show me step by step how to sculpt edible penises out of Kerrygold Butter? I think this is something my followers would really be interested in. If I make mine 25% larger than yours, would it be ok if I feature them on my blog?
    BTW you forgot two VERY important steps…. Every Food Blogger knows that our post is never complete without asking everyone to stumble our post and Buzz our recipe on Foodbuzz!

  16. I would totally put in for your soul but nothing is worth this much hassle. Not your soul and not a KitchenAid mixer. :)

    Actually, I take that back. If you were offering a pet giraffe, I would probably sign up for both Google+ and Pinterest for a chance to win.

  17. Hey Linda,

    I want to win so I can stare at your soul’s boobs.

    Sincerely,

    Your Friend the Surly Motherfucking Gourmand

  18. Reason why I need to win your soul:
    1. I have yet to master the self-deprecating-yet-adorable tone of a successful blogger
    2. I have not one red velvet (or blue or green or pink or rainbow or puke velvet) post
    3. Not once have I updated my favorite recipe with Nutella or Biscoff
    4. I have no idea how to effectively use the phrase, “This is the bomb dot com y’all!!”
    5. I don’t know WHAT I would do if I was sent a box of Zatarains

    As you can see I am in dire need, how can I possible be a successful blogger with out the previous stated skills? Without your soul, I will surely fail.

  19. Major girl crush right now

  20. I’m pretty sure that’s my soul you’re giving away. It sure looks like the soul I had that was copied and pasted all over the Internet.

  21. Hands down the best blog post ever written.

  22. How many extra chances to I get if I DM the folks on the ISS about the awesomeness of your my soul©? I mean, it doesn’t make you Intergalactically Awesome, but pretty dang close.

    This is the best post ever. Amen.

    Linda Reply:

    @Jenni, enough extra chances to buy an island, at least. Preferably an island filled with casks of rum. But you have to write about them.

  23. I followed you for a long time…and I made kale chips already…and yes you can make a good show called slute…As for my soul@ I’d do stuff with it..not sure what, but it would include projects that included my bread making….

    Love all your pasta posts!

    J

  24. If I win your “my soul©” I will use it to keep up with my own lackluster Tweeting. Clearly you have mastered that, what with the pooping and all. Also, I would love to adapt your jujubee recipe. Instead of hamburger helper, I would likely combine it with salmon, just to give it that local/seasonal spin that I like.

    I am crossing my fingers that I win this one! To hell with the Kitchenaid mixer!!

  25. Alienating obnoxiousness is the new cool, or I think it will be, anyway, when it catches on.

    One day I will write an epic song about you and wander the countryside singing it, bard-style, with a small mule team to pull my piano.

    Linda Reply:

    @Phillip, do you watch Parks and Recreation? Can you get the tiny pony Li’l Sebastian from that show to lead the piano-pulling mules, please?

    Phillip Reply:

    @Linda,
    Yes we do, and yes, I will.

  26. I had to read your post twice not to miss any nuggets of your wonderful wit, and I am still chuckling. Thank you for making my already great day even brighter:)
    I firmly believe that your soul cannot find a better home than here with me in SoCal:) Keeping my fingers crossed!

  27. I previously won a piece of your sourdough starter which contained a piece of your soul©. As I have utilized that tiny bit of your soul© to become worldwide famous (Klout says that I am influential in “food” AND “recipes” AND “toddler”) just imagine what I could do with all of it. Would there be any bloggers left or would they just give up at my overwhelming epic-ness?

  28. I’m really disappointed this post does not have 25 photos of your soul in slightly different lighting, various angles, and scattered salt crystals and lavender buds. How do I know I really want your soul if you don’t show me exactly how it looks before AND after adding smoked paprika?

    Baking Barrister Reply:

    @Megan,

    It’s too dark to photograph, obviously. Even Lightroom couldn’t fix it.

  29. You are a silly lady. And I love it!

  30. I love you more than life itself.

    SMITH BITES Reply:

    @Gail, ditto Gail, ditto . . . actually i love you BOTH more than life itself!! xo

  31. Hilarious. Love it!

  32. OMG Linda, you’re too much!

  33. Well, DUH! I’m entering to win your soul© because I lost my own a long time ago.

    BTW, I hope I don’t lose points for having to cut and paste the whole “soul©” thing ’cause I was too lazy to search the tiny table to find the special character, or anything. That’s asking a lot, this early in the morning.

  34. I want to win you soul because a series of “Arugula 10,000 Ways” would be just awesome and I need the extra oomph to make it happen. I am sure your soul would love working with all that arugula.

  35. Absolutely LOVE this!!! Hysterical.

  36. Absolutely LOVE this. Hysterical!!!

  37. Funniest thing I’ve read all day. And that’s not just because it’s only 10am here. You did miss out information on your Soul(c)’s ability to do the washing-up, though. I’m not sure I’m entering until that’s confirmed.

  38. I was going to read this post, but you forgot to put a pop-up window over the text that opened automatically, obscuring the post – asking me if I wanted to subscribe…before I could even read the post.

    Lori @ RecipeGirl Reply:

    @David, ha!

  39. I want you soul. I’m the winner. Period.
    PS: Miss you (and your soul).

  40. Damn just what I needed as my soul is nearly tapped out when I was blogging!

  41. I want your soul© to help me make worse kale chips.

  42. Linda, when I win your soul in this contest, I’m going to set it free, because like butterflies, kittens, and rainbows, your soul needs to be free, free, FREE!

  43. Adrian

    Epic.

  44. You are awesome. That is all.

  45. Nancy

    Oh Salty, you are my idol – thank you for giving me 13 opportunities to win your soul! I have always dreamed of the ability to combine canned ingredients with a boxed cake mix and if I WIN, I will finally have the skills to master this elusive technique!

    Seriously, the funniest and most spot on post I have read in awhile. BRAVO!

  46. Girl, you CRAY! That’s why I’m entering to win Your Soul(tm).

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