How to Win St. Patrick’s Day

posted in: Cooking, Savory | 17

There are two ways, but for the one I’m not going to deeply discuss, you must have massively protuberant nipples. If you don’t have massively protuberant nipples, proceed to the second paragraph. Or keep reading, if you just love to hear the sound of the words “massively protuberant nipples.” And feel free to say it five times fast. This method of “winning” is something that might fit into the Charlie Sheen definition of the word, so if that’s up your alley (this is not the anal reference you are looking for, you can go about your business), listen up. You just need a good length of green grosgrain ribbon and, you guessed it, massively protuberant nipples. And you need a parade. And you need to know how to fashion some sort of knot. All you do is tie the green grosgrain ribbon around your massively protuberant nipples, then you march with the pride of Lady Liberty right down the parade route. You don’t even need to hand out candy, people will love you so much. Well, you and your massively protuberant nipples. I’ve been invited to march in a parade tomorrow on behalf of Meals on Wheels. I plan to test out this winning strategy therein, be warned. Now on to strategy two:

If you want a second way to win St. Patrick’s Day, one that is perhaps, more subtle, you have come to the right place, because as you all know by now, I am the QUEEN OF SUBTLETY. I am so subtle I CAN ROCK ALL CAPS AND YOU WON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HIT YOU. See what I did just there? So subtle. This method is also super easy and involves ribbon, but the ribbon is made of sheets of pasta and shamrocks stand in for the massively protuberant nipples.

Here’s what you do. First, make some sheets of pasta (rolled 70% toward the thinnest setting on a pasta sheeting machine). I’ll give you the pasta dough recipe below, because no two pasta doughs are alike and you want to use dough for this that is at once tenuous and durable.

Next, you cut the sheets in half vertically, using a straight-edged pasta or pizza cutter. Reserve one of the sheets and dapple the other with shamrocks, taking care to snip their stems completely off, because anything with too much girth will cause unsightly tears in the final pasta ribbon.

After the sheet is sufficiently dappled with shamrocks, place the reserved second sheet of pasta over the top of the first one and dimple it with your fingers to really press the shamrocks in place so they don’t slide around when you laminate the two sheets of pasta into one ribbon. Then roll them through the pasta machine again, starting at about 50% thinness until you’ve got them as thin as you want them. Shamrocks are so thin you can actually take these ribbons down to the thinnest setting, if you like.

I cut my finished sheets into serrated ribbons about the width of pappardelle using a brass pasta cutter. IF you don’t have a serrated cutter, a straight cutter will be almost as pretty. Go simple on the dressing for these noodles- the goal is to show off your beautiful ribbons (much the same way you could your massively protuberant nipples, should you go with method one). Garlic and olive oil would work, but I made a broth using ham hocks and parmesan rinds, reduced it to a glaze by whisking in some butter, and dressed the noodles in that clingy chiffon of a sauce.

A final note on shamrocks, or oxalis triangularis: they are edible and endemic to Brazil. I have pots of them all over the house, but they grow outside too, even in Seattle. Choosing a patch that is free of dog pee is, obviously, recommended.  All sorts of medicinal properties are purported, but in enormous quantities, they can cause a tummy ache. I ate about a pound of pasta over two days to no ill effect, but if you’re worried, why not use basil or sage instead, you big fluffernutter?

The right pasta dough for this particular jobby:

2 c 00 flour specified for pasta, not pizza (or use all-purpose and be lame)

1/c c semolina flour (finely milled is preferable)

2 whole eggs

7 egg yolks

Mix as with all pasta doughs, then wrap in fridge and chill for at least 1 hour, and up to 12 hours. After that it will discolor. Totally unaged dough won’t relax the gluten enough to make good pasta. Be sure to laminate (fold on itself) several times as you’re sheeting the dough. A well-laminated pasta is a strong yet delicate pasta.

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17 Responses

  1. Your help is really very useful !!! I d like to win and I thank you for help))

  2. What you really need to win St. Patrick’s Day is a four leaf clover, that’s it!! What is advice here is just to tiring to do, me I just drink bear and watch TV, that’s my St. Patrick’s day.

  3. Wow, you really put the wit in witty. I enjoyed reading your blog and your strategy for winning. I bet you already won.

  4. Looks amazing, great dish for this day!

  5. you should take the loan. you should also go have a bite with us this weekend when Dodd is here. you should also also blog more, whats up? too busy being a farmer now? that shits work right? like the shamrocks.

  6. Looks amazing, great dish for this day!)

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  8. Thanks for sharing! I really appriciate this a LOT!

  9. Jessica

    Hi, your pasta looks amazing. How much semolina flour? The recipe says “1/c c semolina flour” and I was wondering about that.

    Linda Reply:

    @Jessica, so sorry- 1/2 c. oops.

  10. First, I would have to counter your admonition that “anything with too much girth will cause unsightly tears” just means you aren’t doing it right.

    Secondly, I’m sure that millions are searching for “massively protuberant nipples” all day long and will now end up here at Salty Seattle. You really are genius. I can’t wait to read THEIR comments when they get here.

  11. Paragraph 1 describes my St. Patrick’s Day experience to a T. Does it matter that I got my green ribbon at Michael’s?

    Next year, I’ll try making this pasta :) It’s pretty fantastic.

  12. My comment is not working and I’ve tried submitting several times- frustrating! Check you spam folder, you’ve probably got a million of them in there.

  13. haha I love this and this pasta! I will probably be super lame and white all-purpose flour, but whatevs :)

  14. john phipps

    Oh my God! I so love massively protuberant nipples. How did you know?Don’t even need to actually see them. Just knowing that they might be out there makes me happy.

    Do you know the definition of a gay man in Dublin?

    That is someone that likes women better than Guinness!

  15. Lauren

    God I miss your posts! Yes, you have indeed won St Patricks Day.

    Also. I died dead reading this.

    Also. Massively proturbent nipples?! Dead again.

  16. You’re clearly going to OWN the search results for “massively protuberant nipples” within the next hour or two. Use that newfound power wisely!

    Also, the pasta looks delicious.

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