*disclaimer: Revelation S. Public Relations graciously donated my soul© for the purposes of this blog post. They did not force me to write anything nice about it (except for in the contract that they made me sign in my own blood) and they did not compensate me for making any of the below claims (they did buy me a Mercedes, but it was totally unrelated). All of my opinions are my own, even though I discovered that I was a sheep in a past life during a recent session with my psychic friend, who is a mescaline addict, but she really is clairvoyant so I overlook it.
I have been in heated discussions with the PR firm that represents The Devil and hell for quite some time, and I am pleased to announce the fact that they’ve finally agreed to this most epic of all giveaways! That’s right, folks, Revelation S. PR and I are proud to offer my soul© to you in this literal once-in-a-lifetime opportunity*see below.
Unlike those Kitchenaid mixer and fad diet cookbook giveaways you perpetually enter and never win, this giveaway of my soul© is open to residents not just in the US, not just in English-speaking countries, but THE WHOLE WORLD, THE GALAXY, THE UNIVERSE**see below.
But first, as with any good product review, let me tell you a little about my soul©, including what makes it so special, and why you need it in your kitchen. Whenever I’m feeling lackluster because I’ve got fondant coming out of every orifice and my cupcakes still aren’t as pretty as Victoria Beckham’s breasts, I reach for my soul©- the handiest cooking tool in my arsenal. My soul© is like the Swiss Army Knife of kitchen gadgets. One minute it helps me frost cakepops like an apron-clad mofo, and the next, I call upon it to provide the secret magic in a batch of yummy brownies- well that and the hash tar I toss in. Read more