But Salty, how is that possible? It’s not even over! (Plus, we all seem to remember you getting eliminated- did you finally lick the brown acid off the spherified slice of encapsulated pie?) I know, I know, but really, it’s true- winner winner chicken dinner right here over in my little single-wide slice of cyberspace- how about you? Are you a winner too?

Here’s the thing. Project Food Blog, hosted by Foodbuzz, was/is a contentious contest that generated a shitstorm of blog posts, tweets, really bad videos, controversy, burns, costumes (and more costumes), sleeplessness, memories, blood and tears. Does the blogosphere really need one more highfalutin hussy dropping her lil’ dime bag in the mix (that’s my ill-conceived slang for do y’all want to hear my .02)? I can hear the resounding shouts of yes, yes, please Salty, lay it on me baby, tell me exactly what you think, oh Stiletto Ninja of the Chartreuse Night!!!

Stiletto Ninja

Ok, ok, enough with the accolades (winners get accolades, you know?) and stop throwing your pudding panties and crotchless cupcakes at me- I’ll tell you what I think. And I’ll do it in a way I couldn’t throughout the duration of the contest, because, you know, I highly censored myself when I was making foie gras powder look like crack cocaine seeing as how I didn’t want to offend any potential voters. But now, now that I’ve transcended Project Food Blog and licked my loser pile of thermo-reversible jelly up off the floor to discover that I am, in fact, still me, I can call it as I see it, F-bombs, thinly-veiled innuendo and all.

Foie Gras "cocaine"

And the main thing I want to say is that neener neener neener, I FUCKING WON! But guess what? At the end of the day, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US WHO ENTERED THIS CONTEST WITH ANY VERACITY WON! We are all fucking winners! And I don’t mean this like the stupid “my kid is an honor student at Slacker Academy this quarter” winners, either, because I’m definitely more part of the “my kid beat up your honor student” contingency.  Yes, kids, in this contest, many Childs were Left Behind, but guess what (I’m looking at you, Laura Bush)- THAT’S OK! One person may take the cake, but we can all chug the champagne and play strip poker til the wee hours, so suck it up, bitches, give yourself a gold star and humor me.

From Alice Eats Wonderland Entry

Let’s peer, for a moment, through the looking glass, and count the ways we won. How many of us made new friends? Show of hands here please… I can honestly say I made friendships I will keep for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t trade that for all the gold neckclocks in Flavor Flav’s collection. How many of us were introduced to blogs we previously didn’t know existed but now deeply admire? How many of us are plotting cities to visit based on said new friends and blogger crushes, and how many of those awesome people are actually coming to see us? How many bottles of limoncello were personally sent to us by hyper-talented other participants in the contest (ok, maybe just me!)?

photo credit: http://devourtheworld.blogspot.com/

This section of the ranting essay is all about HUMAN CONNECTIONS. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again- at the end of the day, at the end of our lives, what do you think really matters? Whether Foodbuzz put on some blogging contest back in 2010 or whether you’re gazing into the eyes of the people you love, holding their hands, reaffirming those human connections that compose the most profound moments of your life? If the blogging contest in any way had something to do with you encountering someone who touched your life irrevocably, shouldn’t you offer up a hallelujah or a hell yeah to Foodbuzz and say- thanks, guys, thanks for being my wing man so I could properly stalk Foodwoolf and get her to reveal her mad genius to me!?

Why else are we winners? Because we were inspired to be better. We thought harder, wrote purtier, created crazier, promoted wisely-er, and cooked some damn fine food in the process. We traveled to foreign lands, we splayed our souls for the world to see, we edited, we videoed, and we challenged ourselves to perform at our personal bests. Undeniably, Project Food Blog will inspire a generation of well-crafted bloggers. Many of us now realize there is a social and moral responsibility behind our words and have attempted to reconcile that with writing about food.

Personally, Project Food Blog helped distill the convoluted freneticiscms of my disjoined thought processes into something resembling cohesion. I realized that I need structure and I like assignments. I realized food and words are my medium through which to make a big ol’ stiletto stamp on the world and I’m now on a singularly-focused mission to do just that. I want people to think about what they shove into their Strawberry Chapstick-rimmed gobs whether it’s hempseed granola and two teaspoonfuls of Yoplait or a solitary pizza flower. Project Food Blog helped me come to that realization so, you guessed it, I’m a winner yet again!

Pizza Flower

Here’s the thing. I made a promise. I said that if I won Project Food Blog I would wear a meat dress to accept my crown. Well, there will likely be no crown for me unless @bayareaglutton fashions one out of a sausage necklace and sends it my way, but because I’m counting my blessings and counting my naughtly little self among the winning faction, I still probably owe it to you to wear a meat dress, don’t I? Don’t get all excited and scroll down- THERE IS NO MEAT DRESS IN THIS POST. But, it’s coming. You, my especially-beloved, spectacular readers, will be subjected to the blinding vision of me in a meat dress forever documented on this here blog at SOME POINT (yes, I’m wishy washy) in the next few months. Now if anyone has any ideas on how to properly fasten prosciutto to slippery skin, send ‘em my way.

PS- In the real contest that’s still really going on and is not just manifest in the chicken scratches that come out of my ass- er, imagination, vote for NoRecipes- he’s the total package and deserves to be the actual winner. Maybe I can even convince him to wear a meat dress too.

Intergalactic Movie DataVerse

05 min - Sci-fi | Drama | Educational   -  Available on demand

1 win & 2 nominations See more awards »

Cast

Storyline

Padawan Salty Seattle journeys through the galaxy to Dagobah in order to get Master Yoda’s seal of approval on the mozzarella balloons she makes for him. Along the way she fights an internal battle with her alter-ego Darth Salty Seattle. It remains to be seen who will emerge victorious.

Plot Keywords: Mozzarella | Balloons | Cooking | Molecular | Gastronomy | Jedi

Taglines: Where “Return of the Jedi” left off… “Mozzarella Balloon Wars” begins.

Genres: Sci-Fi | Drama

Parents Guide: View content advisory » This content suitable for all audiences as long as they are awesome.

Details

Country: USA

Language: English | Jedi

Also Known As: La Guerra de los Globos de la Mozarela

Filming Locations: The Galaxy Kitchen of The Millennium Falcon

Box Office

Gross: $3 (USA) (they payed me to turn it off after 40 hours of editing plays and replays)

Technical Specs

Runtime: 5 min

Color: Color

Aspect Ratio: 1.85 : 1

MOVIEmeter: UP 100% in popularity this week.

Fun Facts

• The mask that Darth Salty Seattle wears is the same one Michael C. Hall wears in the hit tv show “Dexter.”
• A significant amount of mozzarella cheese curd was harmed (via explosion) during the making of this film. People for the Ethical Treatment of Cheese (PETC) caught wind of it and representatives now picket the Salty Seattle Studios costumed in giant wheels of brie.
• 12 bottles of champagne were consumed during the making of “Mozzarella Balloon Wars.”
• Giorgio Armani designed Darth Salty Seattle’s gown.

Quotes

Padawan Salty Seattle: When the Empire gets a hold of Nitrous Oxide, well, let’s just say you don’t want to hear what happens to Darth Vader’s voice.

Connections

References Star Wars (1977) George Lucas

Soundtracks

Main Theme from Star Wars –as interpreted by kazoo, et al

The Imperial March –also kazoo-ified

Montage –remember the montage from Team America? Well, this clearly isn’t it.

User Reviews

The character drama is gripping, and I’m convinced I could make those perfectly bulbous balloons after watching this tutorial

05 November 2010 | by Blarney Peckingsworth (Worcester, MA)

Aside from the fact that the lead actress is played by a total two-bit hack (I mean, she couldn’t even get past the first 50 on MasterChef, and if you watched the rest of the show, you’d surely know how easy that would be) I was moreover impressed with this classic transformative tale.

The cinematography is brilliant- the way they captured the true essence of the Millenium Falcon Galaxy Kitchen is something no Star Wars has done before, but surely we will see cooking segments in ALL Star Wars films to come. This is like Julia Childs meets Han Solo in a way that makes me want to make a taser to shoot rays of butter on my sous vide potatoes, if you know what I mean, and I know you do because that makes a TON of sense.

I am sure with a budget as large as the production crew had (I heard it was approaching ONE BILLION DOLLARS!) it wasn’t hard to achieve some of the mind-blowing effects present in this short masterpiece, but nevertheless, I was wowed. The siphon gun alone must’ve taken engineers countless years to perfect- it truly is a thing of beauty.

And seriously, to make that dorky woman look even halfway decent on film, they must’ve employed a team of botox specialists, acting coaches, and stunt doubles. I will say she has turned in her best performance to date. She is nearly on par with Christopher Walken in one of his worst roles, and that is the best she could ever hope for. (I only say that because I know he is her favorite actor and I figured I’d throw the trainwreck a bone so she doesn’t go crawling to one of those rehab spas citing “exhaustion,” ya know?)

The montage scene, which is an homage to Team America: World Police, is genius cinema at its finest. It captures the highs and lows of cooking, internal strife, and the climactic moment of choosing good over evil in a way that is relatable to all viewers.

One final note- that Bentley Danger character who plays Master Yoda is seriously ONE TO WATCH. I hear there are rumblings of a best supporting actor nomination for this role, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he takes it. Mark my words, that boy is GOING PLACES.

Every great journey should be a metamorphosis, and I can think of nothing more life-defining from the canons of literature than Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland. In deciding to embody Alice for this, the sixth challenge for Project Food Blog, I was able to approach food from a whimsical perspective, but by the end of the challenge whimsy gave way to growth and in fact I find myself renewed for having seen it through. If you enjoy this journey, why not vote for it?

To Alice, eating and drinking is not about sustenance; rather it’s to evoke transformation. This is intrinsically linked with my own approach to food. Yes, I love to eat, but I especially like it when the food that passes my lips inspires mental and emotional reactions that lead to enveloping-contentment far beyond the physical. It’s like umami in the sense that you cannot put your finger on it but when it happens, it makes the bite that much richer, and yes, it can even change your life.

Alice eats a teacup

Ludwig Bemelmans said, “The true gourmet, like the true artist, is one of the unhappiest creatures existent. His trouble comes from so seldom finding what he constantly seeks: perfection.” I’m no true gourmet, but I do strive for Bemelman’s ideal. A handful of times throughout my years, I’ve taken a bite that has brought me to tears (and no, I am not talking about eating magic mushrooms here).

through the Looking-Glass House

Maybe that makes me a food nerd of the highest order, but one of my major life goals in writing this blog is to share that singular passion for perfect food with the world.  And to have a brillig-ly jabberwocky time while doing it, so let’s party, tea-party people.  Wonderland, here we come, through the Looking-Glass House.

Because a major tenet of the challenge was to fit the food into a cooler provided to us by Project Food Blog and Buick Lacrosse (bedazzled a la Mad Hatter), portability drove my selections. I started the journey the way Alice did, with a “drink me” bottle of magic potion. Alice said, “It had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavor of cherry-tart, custard, pine-apple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast.” I thought about how to recreate it and I remembered Heston Blumenthal did an Alice-themed menu for The Fat Duck a few years ago.

from infusion to fruition

Sure enough, he made the potion using the method of infusion seen here. I started with all six of those foods and infused them into milk for 12 hours. Then I strained out the solids and thickened the layers with iota carageenan (1% by weight) so they would hold without bleeding into one another and blurring the individual flavor profiles.  I carefully layered them into bottles (with the help of my two co-conspirators, Emme and Andrea). While this drink may sound strange, it was pleasantly-staggering for the senses to distinctly sequentially identify all those flavors. It certainly made me think, even if it didn’t literally make me shrink.

I chose to miniaturize teacups, and rather than fill them with tea which might have been messy, I made blueberry foam “tea” instead. Taking a page from the Mad Hatter’s playbook, I constructed edible teacups from white chocolate using plastic hemisphere molds.

The only really difficult part of this dish is tempering the chocolate. The rest of it involves pouring chocolate into the molds, suspending them upside down until they solidify then popping out the cups. The handles are chocolate piped onto parchment and hardened, and the saucers are easily formed using round cutters. White chocolate “glue” holds everything together.

My favorite creation of the day was a riff I did on incorporating the Royal Hearts Family into the feast. I made a Royal Flush hand of cards by “tuile-ifying” dehydrated coconut milk. I stenciled out card shapes and sifted the coconut milk (along with isomalt, glucose and fondant sugar) inside the stencils.

Then I heated them at a very low temperature in the oven until they had congealed to paper-like consistency. I stenciled the heart shapes much the same way except I used paprika tuile powder instead. The added bonus- I discovered an idyllic flavor-pairing in the process: coconut and paprika. It’s worth a lick or ten.

Once again obfuscating the line between food and object, I created the Mad Hatter’s pocketwatch from an oversized raviolo in beurre noisette (since they butter the watch in the book). I filled the raviolo with a thin layer of Dungeness crab, and painted the backwards numbers on the “face” using squid ink. A little edible gold finished the look.

For the main course I deviated slightly from Alice. I thought paying homage to one of the most lauded restaurants of bygone days, The Quilted Giraffe, was related enough by sheer decadence plus I traveled back in cultural time for the dish’s inspiration. Charlie Trotter said of the Giraffe, “It was not just the food, it was the whole experience,” and I think that embodies Alice to a tee (yes, that was a really bad pun), which is why these crepes made the cut.

Barry Wine, infamous owner of The Quilted Giraffe (and this talented blogger’s father) used to serve a crepe formed into a beggar’s purse filled with caviar and crème fraiche, tied with a chive. I chose to roll the crepes instead so they’d look like little scrolls, and I am certain the golden (whitefish) caviar I used was not as decadent as the beluga from the days of old, but they were blissed-out bites of easily-portable culinary alchemy gone great.

Our blogs exist to record momentous occasions in the kitchen and elsewhere. We share our culinary creations and in the process little bits of our souls make their way to the page as well. Project Food Blog has forced me to go deeper inside to eek out posts worthy of your esteemed eyes, and for that I am grateful.

Much has been said about the project, competitive blogging in general, popularity contests, et cetera. The fact remains that regardless where you stand on these divisive issues as a blogger or reader of blogs, if you decided to take part in this contest and focused on the challenges with zeal, you couldn’t have helped but learned something in the process- made a transformation, just like Alice. Yes, I’ve *lost* my Saturdays (and most of the week, to be quite honest) but I’ve gained focus, an outlet for my madness where people seem to appreciate it, and a few new life experiences that I won’t soon forget. I deeply appreciate your votes in getting me this far, and I hope you’ll help me to continue the journey by voting again RIGHT HERE or using the Project Food Blog widget on the right side of the Salty Seattle homepage.